I wish part 2

I got to admit the fact that I am not a saviour. Yes, everything that I have been feeling all this time is because I felt dissapointed with myself. The real problem is I can not be someone that can be loved. All this time, I've been loving a girl. She's what I've been longing for all this time. Somehow, as time goes by and twisted by the fate, I lost her, I lost her, again and again, I lost again. There's nothing to look back. I got to admit that this decision 'for us not being together' is the best for both us. Since then, I look at all the woman in this world with so very different perspective. I find out how complicated and vurnurable they are. I then look at myself, I found out, there's so many things needed to be learn first before i'm finally ready for the real thing. I don't feel regret with all this time with her, maybe it's a learning process for me to become a man, but this is a real hurting experience. The fact that I do wish I didn't have to go through all this can not be stated because how can I really know what would happen if I didn't try. Now that I know where I am.... the best thing is maybe..... I still don't know. I even don't know what to say if contacted her. What should I say and what should I write. What if I bump up with her, how should i react. This puzzle has been driving me crazy. If I do end up as a friend with her, can't it really happen. The past is still there. Somehow I becoming a person that didn't believe in a good future. Too much negativity surrounding. But yet, in my mind, i always hope the happiness for her. Although I'm not her saviour, still, I wish all the best in this life for her. For me, she's the most beautiful and smartest girl I ever known in this world. Yes, there were things that happen between me and her but it can't deny the fact how wonderful she is. From a far distance, I really wish she's happy with what she's doing and hopefully she met with someone that truly deserved and right for her. As for me, the journey in this life has taken me a different path, so far from what i've been dreaming when i'm with her. Got to keep on walking cause I'm still breathing. There's so many thing needed to be learn and i really want to contribute something in this world. As for now, I wish her, good night, good luck and god bless her too.

I Wish Part One

Sometimes, i wish i can be someone else. I always found myself dealing with insecurity problem. Although, in the surface, people might see me calm, but actually, at the bottom of it, I have messed up my life. I just can't find the strength to held myself as what I am supposed to be. Slowly I began to create a distance with people around me. Not because, I have issue with them but the reason, there is nothing good in me to share with.

In times like this, I really wish I could dissapear from this earth. Is either worrying about something that I'm not confident with or being a lazy ass until i regret all those time that i've being wasted.

I really want to talk about all my problem with someone but it shouldn't be like that because all i'm facing right is only because I'm afraid. It can not be cure unless my heart can finally be really pure. It won't be alright until I can finally be true to myself and accept all those obstacle is just a part of life. But the fact is I'm afraid and i still...

One of the serious thing that i'm really afraid right now is commitment. It supposed be promise that I must kept but lately, i found myself kept on breaking it. And because of that, i wouldn't allow myself to be really near to anybody cause i'm just like a time bomb that would blew you all. This problem that have been tagging me all this time not only bring destruction or damage to myself but also to my carrier, family, friends and the love on.

Right now, i always see myself as a plastic bag that kept on flying from one place to another with the wind blewing it. An object that really doesn't matter to anyone. A piece of garbage. Some might realize it but other just ignores it. I summarize what is life from what i read in books, watch in the movies and listen in the music. But the fact is my life is empty. Empty as that plastic bag but kept on wandering everywhere.

Sure, some people might come to me and we talk. But they don't come to tell me what I want to hear but rather what they want to speak. I have some crap to talk back with them, but most of the time I just nod as supposed I'm agreeing with what the person is talking. The true thing is I don't really care, I don't think about it, I have nothing to say about it. I'm just empty. I'm really sorry guys.

Often I found myself lost in finding the direction where I'm going. This doesn't only happen in the road while I'm driving my car but also whenever I'm doing anything. Almost all of the moment in my life I don't find any confident in what I'm doing. I kept myself close to the rule that have been set because i don't want to dissapoint around me. But the truth is I always dissapointed with myself, I wish I could be someone else. Someone that people can't rely on. But how can this happen when I didn't even trust myself.

-to be continued

katanya untukku

kalaulah bibirnya berkata seiring dengan mindanya,
kalaulah aku punyai daya ingatan sepertinya,
mungkin hidup akan jadi lebih indah,

kalaulah kata-katanya hari ini sama dengan kata-katanya esok,
kalaulah aku hargai diriku sendiri dan tak mudah simpati,
mungkin aku boleh bersandar pada bahunya bila rasa penat,

kalaulah hatiku boleh jadi seperti orang dewasa,
kalaulah mindanya boleh jadi seperti orang dewasa,
kalaulah dia bukan pengecut,
kalaulah dia ada pendirian yang aku kagumi,
kalaulah dia tahu apa yang dia mahu,
kalaulah dia bukan dia yang aku kenali sekarang,

tapi dia tetap dia,
dan dia patut jadi dia,
dia suka jalan yang paling mudah dan pada kegagalan dia berserah,
semangatnya berubah-ubah,
idolanya berubah-ubah,
tapi dia tetap dia,
dan dia patut jadi dia,

kalaulah aku benar-benar bidadari dari bumi,
mungkin ada kuasa ajaib untukku mengabur mataku sendiri,
tapi aku bukan bidadari,



*Seorang insan yang paling aku sayang menulis kata-kata ini dalam buku nota aku pada suatu masa dulu. Bila aku membacanya kembali, aku mula melihat perkara sebenar yang kini menjarakkan aku dan dia. Di atas segala kelemahan diriku itu, aku memutuskan tidak mahu dia berasa lelah lagi. Aku tidak tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kami berdua. Aku cuma mahu dia bahagia. Banyak sebenarnya yang perlu diperbaiki apabila aku melihat diriku sekarang ini. Sedihnya, aku berasa rindu pada kata-katanya. Dia sememangnya dapat melihat apa yang semua orang jarang atau tidak dapat lihat. Dan bagi aku, dia tetap bidadari.

rindu.....

biar aku memberitahu,
rinduku padanya tidak pernah hilang,
dalam kesakitan ini,
ingatan aku tetap kepada setiap senyuman yang dia hadirkan,
memang waktu itu, kita bertongkah arus,
baru mengerti kemanusian yang punya pelbagai wajah,
namun hatiku berasa senang setiap kali bersamanya,
masihku ingat, setiap kali kita berpegangan tangan,
erat gengamannya tidak ingin kulepaskan,
bila dia letih dan bersandar pada bahuku,
aku membiarkannya dan membelainya agar dia selesa,
aku cuba menjaganya,
aku ingin menjadi lelaki yang dapat dia berlindung,
menutup matanya dari segala kejahatan dunia ini,
aku mahu dia memeluk tubuhku,
agar dia tahu bahawa aku dan dia adalah satu,
setiap waktu kan bersama,
setiap detik kita kira bersama,
sayangnya, begitu sayangnya,
aku disini dan aku melihat diriku hanya sendiri,
aku menjengketkan kakiku,
cuba mengintai hidupnya,
bagaimanakah dirinya kini,
dengan tiadanya aku di sisi,
aku masih berharap dia bahagia,
senyumanan memang bukan milik aku,
aku tak dapat lagi menipu diri,
kecewa, aku memang kecewa,
aku tak dapat pusing balik masa,
aku juga tidak berani menghadapinya,
setelah apa yang terjadi, keadaan tidak akan sempurna seperti dahulu,
dalam waktu begini,
aku terus mengenangkannya,
waktu bahagia yang aku dan dia pernah ada,
takkan ia pernah luput,
kerana aku merindukannya,
sampai kini, aku rindu padanya

Menemui aku yang bermasalah

Selamat datang ke dalam dunia yang tanpa manusia melainkan aku. Kehadiran jari-jemariku menekan papan kekunci pada malam gelap sepi ini adalah untuk menyampaikan sesuatu yang tanpa membawa sebarang maksud. Sebagaimana kata-kata yang terdahulu, ia tetap tidak membawa sebarang makna yang padu untuk digenggam sebagai satu pikiran.

Nafas aku masih berhembusan pada jasadku yang menjamah usia 25 tahun. Sekitar aku, masih terdapat manusia bijak bodoh berkeliaran menentukan halatuju masing-masing. Tandanya, dunia masih belum kiamat. Ini satu berita baik namun berita buruknya, aku masih terpaksa memikul tubuh ini sehingga seseorang mencampakkannya ke lubang kubur.

Saban hari aku mendengar caci maki. Ada daripadanya yang mengena aku, selebihnya terpalit kepada muka orang lain. Mana yang sampai padaku, terpaksalah ku menelan. Jarang sekali berlaku, namun ada waktunya letupan itu terjadi lantaran kemarahanku. Aku maki mereka balik. Aku caci mereka kerana aku benci mereka. Sialan. Bodoh. Jahanam.

Aku ingin pulang. Tubuhku terasa terlalu letih. Aku tak pasti sama ada esok, sang fajar akan tersenyum kepada aku lagi sebagaimana hari ini. Kegembiraan yang terbit itu sukar digambarkan. Setulusnya, aku mahu sendiri. Dapatkah mereka biarkan aku sendiri?

penjara ini

Aku perlu keluar dari penjara ini,

Ia tak habis-habis mengheretku dari satu ironi ke ironi lain,

Menghantuk kepalaku ke kiri ke kanan,

Tiada lagi dapat aku bezakan,

Yang mana nafsu, Yang mana lurus,

Dengan mataku ditutup,

Tiada lagi ku merasakan hangat mentari,

Tubuhku kaku bersama dingin malam,

Kecewanya tak pernah henti,

Sebagaimana berpusingnya bumi,

Ia datang dan pergi dan datang kembali,

Setiap detik aku mempersoalkannya,

Namun perlahan-lahan aku reput bersama usia,

Dalam buntu yang menyesakkan,

Kekecewaan ini membuatkanku meronta-ronta,

Tapi siapa yang bisa melihatnya,

Halusnya aku berbisik,

Aku ingin dipeluk sayap malaikat,

Biar jasadku diangkat rahmatnya,

.....air mataku mengalir,

Tubuhku yang rebah tak bangun-bangun jua,

Di balik dinding aku masih terkurung,

Aku cuba mencapai tak terjangkau

Benarkah semuanya sudah terlewat....

selamat hari jadi

selamat hari jadi
selamat hari jadi padamu
semoga senyuman terpancar pada wajahmu
kebahagian yang terpancar dari raut hidupmu
lupakan semua kesedihan
tiupkan ia pergi
aku hanya ingin melihat kau gembira
seperti mana waktu kau sering gembira