I Wish Part One

Sometimes, i wish i can be someone else. I always found myself dealing with insecurity problem. Although, in the surface, people might see me calm, but actually, at the bottom of it, I have messed up my life. I just can't find the strength to held myself as what I am supposed to be. Slowly I began to create a distance with people around me. Not because, I have issue with them but the reason, there is nothing good in me to share with.

In times like this, I really wish I could dissapear from this earth. Is either worrying about something that I'm not confident with or being a lazy ass until i regret all those time that i've being wasted.

I really want to talk about all my problem with someone but it shouldn't be like that because all i'm facing right is only because I'm afraid. It can not be cure unless my heart can finally be really pure. It won't be alright until I can finally be true to myself and accept all those obstacle is just a part of life. But the fact is I'm afraid and i still...

One of the serious thing that i'm really afraid right now is commitment. It supposed be promise that I must kept but lately, i found myself kept on breaking it. And because of that, i wouldn't allow myself to be really near to anybody cause i'm just like a time bomb that would blew you all. This problem that have been tagging me all this time not only bring destruction or damage to myself but also to my carrier, family, friends and the love on.

Right now, i always see myself as a plastic bag that kept on flying from one place to another with the wind blewing it. An object that really doesn't matter to anyone. A piece of garbage. Some might realize it but other just ignores it. I summarize what is life from what i read in books, watch in the movies and listen in the music. But the fact is my life is empty. Empty as that plastic bag but kept on wandering everywhere.

Sure, some people might come to me and we talk. But they don't come to tell me what I want to hear but rather what they want to speak. I have some crap to talk back with them, but most of the time I just nod as supposed I'm agreeing with what the person is talking. The true thing is I don't really care, I don't think about it, I have nothing to say about it. I'm just empty. I'm really sorry guys.

Often I found myself lost in finding the direction where I'm going. This doesn't only happen in the road while I'm driving my car but also whenever I'm doing anything. Almost all of the moment in my life I don't find any confident in what I'm doing. I kept myself close to the rule that have been set because i don't want to dissapoint around me. But the truth is I always dissapointed with myself, I wish I could be someone else. Someone that people can't rely on. But how can this happen when I didn't even trust myself.

-to be continued