I wish part 2

I got to admit the fact that I am not a saviour. Yes, everything that I have been feeling all this time is because I felt dissapointed with myself. The real problem is I can not be someone that can be loved. All this time, I've been loving a girl. She's what I've been longing for all this time. Somehow, as time goes by and twisted by the fate, I lost her, I lost her, again and again, I lost again. There's nothing to look back. I got to admit that this decision 'for us not being together' is the best for both us. Since then, I look at all the woman in this world with so very different perspective. I find out how complicated and vurnurable they are. I then look at myself, I found out, there's so many things needed to be learn first before i'm finally ready for the real thing. I don't feel regret with all this time with her, maybe it's a learning process for me to become a man, but this is a real hurting experience. The fact that I do wish I didn't have to go through all this can not be stated because how can I really know what would happen if I didn't try. Now that I know where I am.... the best thing is maybe..... I still don't know. I even don't know what to say if contacted her. What should I say and what should I write. What if I bump up with her, how should i react. This puzzle has been driving me crazy. If I do end up as a friend with her, can't it really happen. The past is still there. Somehow I becoming a person that didn't believe in a good future. Too much negativity surrounding. But yet, in my mind, i always hope the happiness for her. Although I'm not her saviour, still, I wish all the best in this life for her. For me, she's the most beautiful and smartest girl I ever known in this world. Yes, there were things that happen between me and her but it can't deny the fact how wonderful she is. From a far distance, I really wish she's happy with what she's doing and hopefully she met with someone that truly deserved and right for her. As for me, the journey in this life has taken me a different path, so far from what i've been dreaming when i'm with her. Got to keep on walking cause I'm still breathing. There's so many thing needed to be learn and i really want to contribute something in this world. As for now, I wish her, good night, good luck and god bless her too.

I Wish Part One

Sometimes, i wish i can be someone else. I always found myself dealing with insecurity problem. Although, in the surface, people might see me calm, but actually, at the bottom of it, I have messed up my life. I just can't find the strength to held myself as what I am supposed to be. Slowly I began to create a distance with people around me. Not because, I have issue with them but the reason, there is nothing good in me to share with.

In times like this, I really wish I could dissapear from this earth. Is either worrying about something that I'm not confident with or being a lazy ass until i regret all those time that i've being wasted.

I really want to talk about all my problem with someone but it shouldn't be like that because all i'm facing right is only because I'm afraid. It can not be cure unless my heart can finally be really pure. It won't be alright until I can finally be true to myself and accept all those obstacle is just a part of life. But the fact is I'm afraid and i still...

One of the serious thing that i'm really afraid right now is commitment. It supposed be promise that I must kept but lately, i found myself kept on breaking it. And because of that, i wouldn't allow myself to be really near to anybody cause i'm just like a time bomb that would blew you all. This problem that have been tagging me all this time not only bring destruction or damage to myself but also to my carrier, family, friends and the love on.

Right now, i always see myself as a plastic bag that kept on flying from one place to another with the wind blewing it. An object that really doesn't matter to anyone. A piece of garbage. Some might realize it but other just ignores it. I summarize what is life from what i read in books, watch in the movies and listen in the music. But the fact is my life is empty. Empty as that plastic bag but kept on wandering everywhere.

Sure, some people might come to me and we talk. But they don't come to tell me what I want to hear but rather what they want to speak. I have some crap to talk back with them, but most of the time I just nod as supposed I'm agreeing with what the person is talking. The true thing is I don't really care, I don't think about it, I have nothing to say about it. I'm just empty. I'm really sorry guys.

Often I found myself lost in finding the direction where I'm going. This doesn't only happen in the road while I'm driving my car but also whenever I'm doing anything. Almost all of the moment in my life I don't find any confident in what I'm doing. I kept myself close to the rule that have been set because i don't want to dissapoint around me. But the truth is I always dissapointed with myself, I wish I could be someone else. Someone that people can't rely on. But how can this happen when I didn't even trust myself.

-to be continued